mandi_l0ves_y0u

i didnt eat at all yesterday, and havent slept in about 36 hours. im feeling really down, and unmotivated, and im kinda irritable. i was rude to my mom in the car this afternoon. when i get in a  mood like this she just seems so annoying, like everyhting she has to say is so pointless.

why do i have to be so impulsive about everything?
i cut myself, all over my legs without even thinking about having to wear shorts and bathing suits. im going to the beach on thursday!
i ate a 6" sub, for lunch       and 2 cheese quesadillas for dinner.
i dont even think about the consequences, like how fat my ass is going to be!
i wonder what happens to my scars if i lose weight, maybe they'll shrink too!

tonight i need to:

study really hard for math final tomorrow
and possibly for economics
laundry
burn some cds
and clean my room, spotless
maybe ill work in my thinspo journal too

i drew this really pretty picture of an angel, she had these long white wings, like the ones i had in my dream

i have 3 hours until i have to get ready to go to school.

today is my first day of finals: painting, health, and latin

all night i was making plans for a concert im going to on friday, and didnt really start studying until midnight. haha i kinda planned on doing everything last minute though.

i have to finish my painting final, i'm recreating a painting by titian, its called ecce home. its a picture of jesus. and all i have left is more details on his eyes, the thorned crown on his head, and the staff that he's holding.
 

after school im picking up my boyfriend and going to buy concert tickets, i'm going with a bunch of my friends friday and seeing one of my favorite bands. its kindof a late birthday celebration.

i cant wait til school is over, its been too long of a school year for me.

is it completely disturbing of me to wish that i was depressed enough like i was 9 months ago? i never ate when i was havin anxiety attacks 3 times aday.
if only the starvation came without the emotional pain.... im sur we all wish that though.
heres some pics i'd love some opinions...

this was me in september. im in the pink. this was about when i was at my low weight of 115



and this is me in april. i havent lost any weight since then.

what do y'all think?

went to the gym for an hour and a half today.
my friend told me you dont start burning fat until 30 mins into your workout so i started off with lifting for 30 min. then running for 30 min

this boy ive been seeing is so sweet!
im usually kindof a slut, or well fast moving, when it comes to relationships.
we went on our 4th date last night and we just had our first kiss! 
            it feels so much more special when you wait!
                i want him so much more, but im trying not to seem too needy
          but god i want him so bad

hahaha
     ive even stopped hooking up with all the other guys for this one. i really like him

aaah i'm not going to ramble on about everyhting that happened but here are the highlights: [or lowlights]
 

• guy i hooked up with is denying it to everyone, and apparently thinks i have an ugly face
• my friends have gottena guy who's probably going to ask me to prom, but my dad made funof me because i have to "force someone to go with me"
• i had trouble zipping my prom dress even though i just bought it 4 days ago
• and my car still wont start

so i'm starting a two week fast now!
i just took an adderal to get me through the night, and i have one for tomorrow and i'm buy a byunch of ephedra tomorrow wheni get my allowance.

 tonihgt i'm going to

• run 2 miles
• workout in my room [crunches and stuff]
• laundry
• clean
• do all my homework
• and pick out a really hott outfit for when brian asks me to prom, hopefully tomorrow
 

i'll check back later, i'll be on all night

i went to a dance competition yesterday to watch my friends.
i miss dance so much i think i'm going to start taking rec classes in the summer
i wanna be like her:

today was blah. i got up at 7. to go to a dance competition to watch my two best friends. we got there at 9 ish. and they didn't end up dancing until 5 in the afternoon. i spent the entire day sittingin a school auditorium watching dances. which was bad on my back, and i got pretty tired, but i love watching dance :-D i miss it a lot and am considdering taking some recreational classes next season.
the girls are so beautiful and graceful, and thin.
so many of them have the body that i strive to have.
i want to see my ribs on my chest, not just the sides of my abdomen. and i want legs that dont touch except for at the knees.

i'm sitting in bed wishing for these things but not doing anything abouit it!
i would get down and do some crunches etc, but my roo is a mess due to remodeling. i actually shouldn't even be sleeping in here because of paint fumes, but i'm scared that thtere might be spiders in my brother's room, so i'm staying here. what a pussy i am?

bought a prom dress from betsey johnson saturday night:


and can you believe it?!? i'm a size 2 again! now if only by prom, i can lose some weight and get it tailored....
 

off to go do some more studying, tonight's an all nighter
 

okay so i thought today would be better when i got to lunch and my friend had saved us a table so i wouldn't have to sit alone again. i had a great afternoon hanging out with mad people.
had a good evening with some decent sexual escapades.
i come online and have been chatting for a long time.
then i tlak to a friend on facebook who i haven't heard from in a really long ltime. like almost 2 years. we talk for 2 hours. then he starts asking me about the guy i'm hooking up with and immediately judges me for it. why do i open up so much?
but like really, if he's going to judge me for who i sleep with, he's not someone i wanna hang around with anyway.
but still i thought i was a good enough person to make up for the shameful things i have done.

but anyways on a good note, i send a really good and assertive message to someone who i can never stand up for myself to.
i'm pretty proud of it. this is what i said:

       "i care, i dont want to seem like a bitch like if you really cared about me as much as you said you did it would upset you if i said ....
that spaghetti is not only a bullshit dinner to try to impress someone but if you ahd put in enough effort you could make me my fave meal, or respect my request to not get with you, and suggest going somewhere public. and notlike somewhere in the woods in the middle of the night where you can take advantage of me.
but oops!
i'm sorry
i forgot
you dont think that was a jerk move to legit take my hand and shove it down your pants after promising via text that you wouldn't come onto me and that you just wanted to catch up.
oh, but you really do care about me so maybe that did kinda hurt...
sorry!"

hahaha i laugh at my sarcasm i think i can be witty sometimes ^_^
for the record he has raped me before. and when he forced me to touch him, i was dating someone. but he wanted to screw up my relationship so he tried his absolute hardest to do so.

age: 16
height: 5'3
highest weight: 129
lowest weight: 115
current weight:  124 i think
gw1: 110
gw2: 100
gw3: 95
ugw: 85
favorite food: raspberries
Favorite SAFE food:  tea, or coke zero
drink: coke zero, or super low cal energy drinks
thinspo: skinny scene girls
when do you slip: wheni'm with my friends
when did start: technically wheni was in like 3rd grade but actually like probably 9 months ago
does anyone know?: my best friend, and other people have an idea, but dont say anything but i know they know
diet pills: need em
favorite binge food: peanut butter ice cream, chinese food, tacos, candy
favorite dieting food: salad with baby spinach and balsamic vinegar
how many calories do you consume a day?:  varies, always aiming for less than 500 but i often slip
what do you see when you look in the mirror?: an awfully ugly girl who doesn't fit in anywhere and canonly lose weight to make myself more desirable
are you in a relationship: yes and no. hes like my boyfriend, but he has another girlfriend too, i'm the mistress
are you the fat or thin one out of your friends?: thin. i suppose
are you depressed: yes..very. medication makes me feel so pathetic sometimes
do you self harm?: yes
ever tried to commit suicide?: yes
ever been to a psychologist?: yes actually i think shes just considdered a therapist because i see my pediatrician for perscriptions still

i feel like all i ever do is complain. and i'm sorry i'm such an incredible downer. i just have to get all this out.
i had an awful day. i slept an hour longer than i wanted to, so i didn't have time to get ready in the morning. then my friends and i were supposed to run 2 miles during 1st period but they forgot clothes and i didn't wanna do it alone and it was really cold. i ate cheese-its in economics. BAD GIRL. but they were sitting there on my friends desk a whole box! i had to eat some.

 

i dread going to lunch everyday at school. my school has 1800 people you would think i could find someone to sit with at lunch. but i usually go to the library becaus ei have some friends in study hall there. but the librarians are wicked strict and everyday i get kicked out for sitting with them cuz only four people are allowed at a table.
everyday i can't go to the lunch room cuz i don't know anyone, everyday i get kicked out of the library. and everyday i walk outside and sit in my car a smoke a cigarrette by myself. its such a lonely feeling when i dont fit in anywhere.

stayed up all night last night. i was on here til like 1 ish theni did my homework  and went to school. i crashed first period. fell asleep in 2nd and 5th. took an hour long nap when i got home and i feel great now.
i only ate dinner. but i feel so bloated i ate so much cuz my parents were watching me.
i finished all my homework. and now i've just been chillin in my room. i had to sew some tank tops because they're too lose, so now i took them in at the seams and they fit me nice now. can't w3ait for them to be loose again!

plans for tonight:
do another load of laundry
paint for at least an hour
clean my room -take out the trash and sweep the floor
straighten my hair

tomorrow:
run a mile during first period study hall
school.
go to the gym, or the beach to run if it isn't rainy
homework
eat a salad : romaine lettuce, 4 cherry tomatoes, one serving of feta cheese, and balsamic vinegar
paint for 2 hours
 

i'm waiting until i'm really tired to take another pill. i dont wanna waste it if i take it too early. crashing today was so awful

okay so i took some pics the other day to like record how i'm doing,
welli'm doing bad i'm only 5 lbs away from my highest weight which was almost 2 years ago. ughhhh
but i'm getting back on track, for real this time. the spring weather has got me really motivated.



 ahhhh fatty fat fat

this is me sucking in of course

please excuse my nasty hair and makeup,
i was trying to accentuate my collar bones! theyre the only part i like about me

i just gauged my ear from a 4 to a 2 and its pulsing with pain right now! gahhhhhh
my prom dress is so pretty its turquise and black and i'm gonna get turquoise plugs for my ears to match

i'm about to go out and spend my baby sitting money on drugs ... adderal
it will make me not eat, like at all haha
hooray! its almost april! and i'm starting some major fasting i need these drugs to lose this weight.

i need them to get my homework done too haha!
i have a project due tomorrow and i havent started yet. lolz

just got back from the gym and i'm feeling great. i ran a mile, and walked a mile on an incline of 10
then i did some random machines and abs too. my two guy friend i went with were like so tired from working out they left before i did i felt so good i was like wow i outworked two 19 year old boys

HOLLER!!!!

<3
 

i've been really really bad lately. its so hard to do this without drugs supressing my appetite.
but i told my mom about my speeding ticket and she said she'll pay it and i cay her back when i get a job
which means i dont have to save my allowance for my ticket
which is very good. i can buy add medicine now at least.

its 6:30 in the mornign i'm getting ready for school.
its day one of my 14 day fasting/restricting diet.

i need to lose at least 14 pounds by April vacation. And 10 additional pounds by the end of May for Prom

WHAT NOURISHES ME DESTROYS ME

so i've finally admitted it to myself.i'm absolutely in love with my best friend. we hang out every chance we get. i was with him when he got called back to jail and i was the first person he called when he got out. He wa sonly in for drug trafficing which is no surprise considdering how involved he was with the whole drug scene. he's clean now which is good because i'm not much of a druggie myself. but if i ever want any he's a good connection. but anyways...
i'm totally crazy about him. everyone can tell too. everyones always like "what the deal with you and 'boy'" and i always have to say we''re just really good friends. but he's my other half. he's just like me. we're both pretty insane. [him more than me] he gets along so well with my friends, and i love his. we both smoke cigs, and he always buys me mine cuz he's of age, and i still got 2 years to go. he always understands exactly how i feel
and we can tell eachother anything and everything. he knows about my ED and he's the only person who can totally accept it. and he supports me without being weird about it either. like i tell him not to let me eat dinner. and we just do something else instead. he even took my money from me once when we went tothe mall so i wouldn't buy anything in the food court. He doesn't think i'm fat or anyhting but he's nto gonna bother trying to change my mind.
i've never felt this way about a friend before. I've only ever loved someone if i've been dating thema long time.

so my creepy friend who's been trying to get with me had to bail today because something came up. i was so relieved! i think it's definatly a sign i need to stay away. we kinda made plans for friday but i'm gonna bail and try not to talk to him. i don't want to have to let him down because he's usually a nice guy, but i really don't wanna put up with him. I've got enough relationship drama going on, i dont want to be his mistress! and i'm way younger than him too it'd be bad.

day two of my fast going really well! i've been active a lot so i'm burning mad calories. and yesterday all i had was a small handful of goldfish, and today a coffee with skim milk. i know its bad but the crackers were so temting while watching a movie, and the coffee was to rid me of some nasty smelling breath.

so today instead of hanging out with creepy old boy, i hung out with my best [boy] friend. When we went to dunkin donuts to get the coffee, we went into the women's restroom and had awsome sex while leaning over the sink and watching in the mirror. It was sooooooo hott!
i just got out of a year-long relationship with a guy who was not experimental at all. thats why i'm so intrigued to this guy, he's up for anything!

today was good and bad.
good because i havent slept in over 42 hours! constant calorie burning! and i haven't been hungry at all. the only food i've eaten in the past 42 hours was  handful of goldfish when i was watching a movie
and i just got off the phone with [Boy]. My friend set us up like a week ago, and we hit it off so well. Like theres no awkward silences at all! haha. crazy thats like all i think about when i'm meeting someone, is that i hope it isn't awkward.
thats how i know this is gonna be good! He's been in Florida for spring break and he's coming back tomorrow night. So thursday night i think me and my girlfriend and her boyfriend are all gonna spend the night at his house and party all night long! woo!
i think i remember him saying he had a hot tub too. which could be really nice!

today was also bad because.....
i went to planned parenthood because i'm starting back on birthcontrol again. They did like a regular check up so they weighed me. See my parents don't have any scales in the house becaus emy mom doesn't want me worrying about my weight. the last time i weighed myself was just after christmas, and i've GAINED 4 lbs since then! its so awful.
idk when the next time i step on a scale will be, but i better be significantly less. i'm hoping  for ten lbs in the next month

okay so its early tuesday morning. i'm getting ready for school. i didn't sleep at all! yay! i love adderal so much! i was awake all night and didn't have a single craving for snacks. thank you ADD medicine so much. So i didn't eat much yesterday, except when forced to have dinner. and today i'm not gonna eat either, i'm going to 'go out' for dinner. i'm going to planned parenthood this afternoon tyo start birth control again. i stopped taking it a couple months ago because i hadn't had my period in 7 months, and my boyfriend and i broke up so i didn't think i'd need it. I wanna start again, just to be safe. because well i'm kind of screwing my best friend, alot. We talked about it last night and we decided to stop, soon. he has a girlfriend who lives really far away. we've both been feeling guilty about it. but we decided to put another week in. haha. but like how often will i get to say i'm having sex with an abercrombie and fitch model? teeheehee
so today i got school. when i start to feel myself coming down from the addies, i'm gonna have another, just to stop my cravings today. then i'm going to planned parenthood. then "dinner" and homework blah blah blah
love you

Mandi

thought it wa sabout time for a new pic. what ya  think?